I don't know

So we've been having problems lately. I think that's part of the reason I started this blog, just so even though I'm shouting out into nothing, at least I'm shouting, and maybe someone will hear. Not that it will be anyone that needs to hear it. But at least there's someone out there somewhere that knows something... or something. I don't know.

Maybe I'm gullible. Maybe I'm paranoid. I don't know which. It's really hard, when you've built your life around someone, to be able to accept that maybe you didn't have the best judgment. I'm sorry, I don't care how independent you are, if you marry someone, you've built part of your life around them. That's the whole point. And when you have that kind of foundation, if it suddenly gets unstable, it can rock your world.

Symptoms:
1) (may be nothing) A few months before we got married, he had a total breakdown for two straight days; I have never seen this man cry before, but he did. And it didn't stop. There was nothing I could do. He wasn't exactly sobbing, but he was despondent and I couldn't rouse him, no matter what I did - I tried acting normal, I tried comforting him, I tried making fun of him, joking, trying to get him angry, etc. Nothing helped. He kept saying how upset he'd be with himself and how upset everyone else would be if he "messed this up." Does that mean he already messed up and just didn't want to tell me?
2) Coming home late from work without calling... happened for like a week. Normally gets home at 6:45, was coming home at 7:45 or even after 8:00.
3) Texting. He always told me who he was texting, supposedly. But once I walked out into the living room while he was texting; he didn't spot me, but he heard me and quickly hid the phone in his lap. He didn't see me - it was dark - and waited a little while before retrieving his phone and continuing to text. This was at like 12:02 (I looked at the clock to time how long I should wait before revealing I was there). He was texting for like a full minute - pushing buttons. Then later I asked him about it - the next day. He showed me some texts that were from 11:23. And he said that he hid his phone because I'd startled him. So why should startling him cause him to hide his phone?
4) Hiding his cell phone. He used to just leave it out. I've gone around and around in my head about this one. He always used to forget it. So I've rationalized for him - maybe he wants to keep it close so he stops forgetting it. But he isn't doing the same things with his keys and wallet - two items that he also frequently loses. So there goes that theory.
5) Complete and utter disinterest in sex. And, when we do start anything, unresponsiveness. Erectile dysfunction? I have no idea. There's always some excuse, though. Too much to eat. Too hot. Too cold. Stressed.

So yeah... happened again last night. And he snapped at me while I was trying to comfort him. I don't even remember what about, but I've told him before I don't like it when he snaps at me.

I don't know what to do. We aren't dating anymore; we are married. With someone I'm dating, my game would be to just ignore the hell out of them. "I don't need you" kind of attitude - make them realize that yeah, maybe they don't want me, but I don't need them, so am I really going to notice if they leave me? Whatever. And that works when you're dating - it keeps them hanging around. But we are married now. I want to reach out. but he is withdrawing from me and I don't understand why or how to fix it. And if I am being cheated on, I don't want to stick around for that bullshit.

I feel like every normal little thing is so traumatic for him. Yes - we are married now. OK. I don't know anyone else that it's had this effect on. He keeps expressing how uncomfortable it is for him to wear his ring - physically uncomfortable. He doesn't understand that you just get used to it. And he was so exceedingly traumatized by the whole wedding. Seriously - just a giant ball of stress, he started taking medication. It's a wedding. It's a ring. Dear God. What is going to happen when we have kids? I don't even know.

I'm so angry and insecure and the problem is, the person I normally run to is the person I can't turn to. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a grown-up anymore. I always thought having a spouse would be a good thing. I always thought it would be someone you could be open with and share life with and enjoy time with. Instead I feel like I am a burden, a nuisance.

I just am scared. I don't want to end this. I really don't. But maybe that is my problem? I don't know. I wanted this so much. I was so happy. And now it's just like it's the end before it even started.

Dear Semi-Boss,

What exactly do you do all day? We've been working on this case since October. You know it inside and out, better than I do. While I don't mind doing leg work, I'm getting a touch confused. You do realize that you work 40 hours per week, while I, a mere student, work 12 to 20? And you do realize that I have school work outside of that?

See, I just feel a little confused, because it seems like you are expecting me to sit there and do all the work while you sit in your office with your thumb up your ass. Also you are shoving all of your articles and textbook updates off on me; when exactly do you expect me to get those done in addition to all of my other obligations? I have two articles to write for myself. And I actually get to put my name on them. Meanwhile, you are asking me to write this shit for you so you can put your name on it and claim my work? Fuck you.

You do realize that I took this job because you guys were flexible about my school schedule, right? And also that I have done a hell of a good job and that losing me would be a really bad idea for you, right? And what the hell - I thought you and I had a good rapport. But you had to send that email out to everyone at work telling them to leave me alone so I could work on stuff for you. Because that didn't seem like I was incompetent and unable to keep up with my work or anything. Go to hell.

See, I just find it interesting, because when I went in and gave the partner the Motion for Summary Judgment, he looked really confused.

"Did you write this, or did [confidential]?"
"I did, why?"
"He told me that he was doing it and that's why he couldn't work on anything else all day."
"Oh."
"So what's he been doing?"
"I don't know, sitting there with his thumb up his ass?"

Yes I did say that and no I don't regret it. I just don't get it - what exactly ARE you doing all day? Because it doesn't seem to be work. I did the stuff for that case. I also had to do all the updates that the other attorneys were asking us for. I just don't get it. When did it go from us working on this together to me doing work while you stand there like a giant stress-ball?

ARGH. It sucks to be a peon.

Gunner v. Troublemaker

In law school, there are two types of people to beware of. One of them is the gunner. The gunner is one who, no matter what the class discussion is about – some broad all-encompassing question of Constitutional Law or some minor and obscure point of tax law – has to contribute his or her two cents. And about two cents is about as much as that person’s point is worth. You know the signs of a gunner if an individual starts expressing his opinion – note, opinion, not answering a question in furtherance of discussion - one or more times per class period, every class period; is usually wrong; and causes a unanimous class-wide eye-roll every time he speaks up. They are the over-eager, leaky puppy of law school.

The other type of person to look out for is the troublemaker. The troublemaker is the one who, for no particular reason, thinks their smart-ass, off-the-cuff, typically rude comments are somehow regularly welcome in the classroom. This individual is usually trying to get a rise out of people. If a professor asks, “Now, why do you think the court decided to institute this doctrine in this case?”, the troublemaker will usually respond with a comment such as, “Textbook material?”

These comments are occasionally welcome as a way of breaking up an otherwise monotonous subject matter. No doubt, some of us wish we had said something of the sort in class at some point or another. However, the troublemaker does not really understand the meaning of the word “moderation” when it comes to these remarks. No, he thinks that his disruptive, irrelevant dialogue is meant to be part of the overriding discussion on a regular basis. Typically he is quite self-aware and is usually trying to get a rise out of people. While the motivations behind being a gunner are quite obvious – currying favor with the professor and general self-glorification – the troublemaker’s motive is a bit more elusive. No one really knows why these people have an extra $200,000 lying around just to go to law school and make snarky remarks. Perhaps they are, indeed, intelligent and are so bored by the rest of us mediocre students that they must entertain themselves in their own fashion. Really, we’ll never know.

What becomes extremely amusing is when you get an interesting case of Gunner v. Troublemaker during class. I had the privilege of witnessing such an exchange during my Education & Policy class this week, and I have to say it was a rare treat. I did not much care for Troublemaker before today. He had been in my Family Law class in a previous semester and, while I don’t think he fits into the normal category of Troublemaker in that he is actually kind of earnest so that it softens his arrogance to a degree, he tended to irritate me a bit. Today, however, I have decided that I like this individual quite a bit, at least in this context.

Our discussion today centered on compulsory education. Troublemaker was doing a presentation for extra credit on the topic, and posed the controversial idea that compulsory attendance should be abolished and replaced with optional free public education, with funding allocated according to attendance. Pause here to say that Troublemaker did not actually believe the views he was espousing on this subject, but still presented it in a very logical, well-defended manner. He actually does have a bit of a knack for playing devil’s advocate. He therefore laid out a system where mandatory attendance would be abolished for minors and replaced with a system where parents would be responsible for directing the child’s educational path. That might be traditional public school, private school, home schooling, or apprenticeships and vocational training.

This whole thing drove Gunner absolutely nuts. She, a former teacher (note: Troublemaker was also a former teacher), could not believe someone was having the audacity to suggest that her beloved mandatory attendance system could, in any way, be flawed. Pause here to note that Gunner belongs to an elite group of people in the class that have formerly been employed in education, and if you have not previously been a teacher or school administrator, you have absolutely no basis for your opinion and should be disqualified from class discussions out of hand. Because, clearly, alienating outsiders to the education system that could bring in new, innovative, and fresh ideas is the answer to the education crisis in America today. Moving on.

Many people were exceedingly amused by this exchange, myself among them. Gunner asked for data. Troublemaker pointed out that this system was not really in place anywhere like the U.S., so data was unavailable, but posed some smaller examples – such as popular elective courses attracting students who didn’t have to take them but instead wanted to – that were relevant. Gunner was not satisfied with this – what about the social structures that school serves as a doorway for? Troublemaker indicated that social services do exist, and that these social services might actually be a better manner of reaching out to needy families than trying to institute such programs through public schools. Etc. Etc.

The discussion continued in much the same way for about 30 to 40 minutes. Occasionally a couple other people got to talk besides Gunner, but she had an obnoxious tendency to interrupt, interject, and generally tried to dominate the entire presentation. She took everything very personally. No answer was good enough for her. I really wanted to look at her and say “Calm down. This is a class discussion; no one is actually talking about implementing this here.” Many people do not seem to realize that good solutions can often be found by posing a completely off-the wall, crazy idea just to get a discussion going – such ideas can often spawn less-crazy ideas that might actually work. To her, this was an all-out attack on her personal beliefs rather than an interesting class discussion that really got some people’s heads working.

This Gunner also absolutely had to get the last word. No two ways about it. When it seemed like everything was winding down so the professor could resume regular class, she had to throw her hands up in the air (literally – it was like jazz hands) and spout off some inane bullshit just to demonstrate that she was, in fact, smarter than Troublemaker and that his system could never, in a million years, work. He didn’t seem to care much, smiled politely, and stepped down. Her eye-rolling and impatient sighs after class as she talked to her Elite Group of Former Educators were just as amusing to watch as her progressive hysteria during class. Well played, Troublemaker. Well played.