So we've been having problems lately. I think that's part of the reason I started this blog, just so even though I'm shouting out into nothing, at least I'm shouting, and maybe someone will hear. Not that it will be anyone that needs to hear it. But at least there's someone out there somewhere that knows something... or something. I don't know.
Maybe I'm gullible. Maybe I'm paranoid. I don't know which. It's really hard, when you've built your life around someone, to be able to accept that maybe you didn't have the best judgment. I'm sorry, I don't care how independent you are, if you marry someone, you've built part of your life around them. That's the whole point. And when you have that kind of foundation, if it suddenly gets unstable, it can rock your world.
Symptoms:
1) (may be nothing) A few months before we got married, he had a total breakdown for two straight days; I have never seen this man cry before, but he did. And it didn't stop. There was nothing I could do. He wasn't exactly sobbing, but he was despondent and I couldn't rouse him, no matter what I did - I tried acting normal, I tried comforting him, I tried making fun of him, joking, trying to get him angry, etc. Nothing helped. He kept saying how upset he'd be with himself and how upset everyone else would be if he "messed this up." Does that mean he already messed up and just didn't want to tell me?
2) Coming home late from work without calling... happened for like a week. Normally gets home at 6:45, was coming home at 7:45 or even after 8:00.
3) Texting. He always told me who he was texting, supposedly. But once I walked out into the living room while he was texting; he didn't spot me, but he heard me and quickly hid the phone in his lap. He didn't see me - it was dark - and waited a little while before retrieving his phone and continuing to text. This was at like 12:02 (I looked at the clock to time how long I should wait before revealing I was there). He was texting for like a full minute - pushing buttons. Then later I asked him about it - the next day. He showed me some texts that were from 11:23. And he said that he hid his phone because I'd startled him. So why should startling him cause him to hide his phone?
4) Hiding his cell phone. He used to just leave it out. I've gone around and around in my head about this one. He always used to forget it. So I've rationalized for him - maybe he wants to keep it close so he stops forgetting it. But he isn't doing the same things with his keys and wallet - two items that he also frequently loses. So there goes that theory.
5) Complete and utter disinterest in sex. And, when we do start anything, unresponsiveness. Erectile dysfunction? I have no idea. There's always some excuse, though. Too much to eat. Too hot. Too cold. Stressed.
So yeah... happened again last night. And he snapped at me while I was trying to comfort him. I don't even remember what about, but I've told him before I don't like it when he snaps at me.
I don't know what to do. We aren't dating anymore; we are married. With someone I'm dating, my game would be to just ignore the hell out of them. "I don't need you" kind of attitude - make them realize that yeah, maybe they don't want me, but I don't need them, so am I really going to notice if they leave me? Whatever. And that works when you're dating - it keeps them hanging around. But we are married now. I want to reach out. but he is withdrawing from me and I don't understand why or how to fix it. And if I am being cheated on, I don't want to stick around for that bullshit.
I feel like every normal little thing is so traumatic for him. Yes - we are married now. OK. I don't know anyone else that it's had this effect on. He keeps expressing how uncomfortable it is for him to wear his ring - physically uncomfortable. He doesn't understand that you just get used to it. And he was so exceedingly traumatized by the whole wedding. Seriously - just a giant ball of stress, he started taking medication. It's a wedding. It's a ring. Dear God. What is going to happen when we have kids? I don't even know.
I'm so angry and insecure and the problem is, the person I normally run to is the person I can't turn to. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a grown-up anymore. I always thought having a spouse would be a good thing. I always thought it would be someone you could be open with and share life with and enjoy time with. Instead I feel like I am a burden, a nuisance.
I just am scared. I don't want to end this. I really don't. But maybe that is my problem? I don't know. I wanted this so much. I was so happy. And now it's just like it's the end before it even started.
